Why Does This Still Feel So Hard?” — What’s Really Affecting Your Speaking Confidence

Many students feel less confident when they speak English, not because their English is weak, but because of what happening in their mind while they are speaking. They can understand, they can answer, and they can communicate — but something still feels uncomfortable.

In the middle of a conversation, they may start to compare themselves to the other person, or expect speaking to feel easier than it is.

If you sometimes feel this way too, the good news is that you’re not alone! These thoughts are very common; they happen quickly,often without you even knowing it, but they can have a strong and damaging effect on your confidence, even when your English communication is going just fine.

Comparing Yourself to Other Speakers

What It Means:

When you speak with someone who is fluent in English, you may notice how smooth they sound. They speak quickly, they don’t stop very much, and their sentences seem easy.

At the same time, you notice your own speaking. You may pause, search for words, or speak more slowly, which creates a quick comparison in your mind: “They sound confident. I don’t.”

This thought can change how you feel immediately, and you start to become more aware of every small mistake or pause you make instead of focusing on the person with whom you’re having the conversation.

The problem is that this comparison is not fair, because the other person may have used English for many years or since birth while you are still building your skill.

What to Do:

Instead of picking apart how you sound, instead focus on what is happening in the conversation by asking yourself one simple question: “Is the other person understanding me?”

If they are listening and responding, the communication is working, which is all that matters.

PRO TIP: Fluent speakers are not perfect! That’s right, they also pause, change words, and make a lot of mistakes which you probably don’t notice.

The Example:

Anand is speaking with a colleague who is very fluent in English. At first, the conversation is going well, but then Anand starts to notice how smooth the other person sounds and thinks, “I don’t sound like that.”

Now he becomes super-careful, pausing more often, trying to choose better words, while his confidence sinks like a stone.

Sowmya also notices that the other person speaks more smoothly but she keeps her attention on the conversation and the other person.

She listens, answers, pauses and continues speaking without comparing herself so she can stay relaxed  Because of this, she feels more confident and her speaking sounds more natural.

Rule of Thumb:

If the conversation is moving forward nicely, you are doing enough, so stop worrying! 

Bonus Points:

When you stop comparing, you can use that mental energy to learn more vocabulary!

Expecting Speaking to Feel Easy Too Soon

What It Means:

Many students believe that speaking English should feel comfortable after some time, and when it still feels difficult, they think something is wrong with them.

Is this you? Do you find yourself thinking, “This is still hard, I should be better by now.” 

It’s very easy to have unreasonable expectations of yourself; in fact, it’s very common in high achievers and perfectionists. 

What to Do:

Change what you expect: by that I mean, instead of expecting to feel comfortable, expect to put in some level of effort.

When speaking feels a little slow or difficult, treat that as a normal part of the process and remind yourself: “This is normal. I am still building this skill.”

This small change helps you stay calm because you are not fighting the feeling, and you are not judging yourself for it and destroying your own confidence in the process.

PRO TIP: Whatever you tell your brain will be the truth, so if you tell it “I’m no good”, of course your English (or whatever else) will suffer; on the other hand, if you tell it, “This is a work in progress and I’m better than I was!”, your brain will rise to help you - sounds crazy but it works!

The Example:

Andrei has been studying English for a while, but when he speaks, it still feels uncomfortable. He pauses, thinks, and sometimes struggles to find the right word.

He becomes frustrated and thinks, “This should be easy now.”

Because of this thought, he feels badly about himself; his speaking becomes even more difficult, and his confidence drops.  In fact, he even begins to avoid speaking to people because he believes he can’t carry on an English conversation.

Maria also finds speaking difficult sometimes, but she is mentally ready for it and promises to go easy on herself.

When she pauses or struggles to find a word, she does not see it as failure; rather, she continues speaking and focuses on saying what she wants to say.

Because she accepts that it’s not always going to be a smooth ride, it does not affect her confidence as much, and English speakers even offer to help her!

Rule of Thumb:

Speaking a new language often feels uncomfortable for a long time, not because you are doing something wrong but because your brain is still learning to work quickly in English.

Bonus Points:

When you accept some discomfort as being normal and not a sign that “you’re no good”, you build real confidence over time, which spills over into other areas of your life!

The Bottom Line

Low confidence in speaking usually has less to do with your English ability and more to do with how you you think during the conversation.

When you stop comparing yourself to others and understand that some discomfort will be normal for at least a few months, you may find yourself starting conversations with strangers just to show off your English!

 I work with focused, committed learners.

 If you’re ready to work on your English in a clear, structured way (or to begin with French), start here: https://www.fluentandfabulous.com/